My Only Constant Is Change

     The other day I was taking a walk in the park, not far from the Friendship Tree that I mentioned in a previous piece, and I felt like my Dad was there with me, I sometimes feel the presence of loved ones who have passed, but more likely it would be one of my husbands, or my Grandmom or an Aunt.  Anyway, I felt he wanted to tell me why he had not been more in my life after he and my Mom separated when I was young. I'm not even sure how old I was when they split, but I know it was before I started school. He would sometimes come over to the house where we were living with my Grandmother and I remember him teaching me the alphabet and letter sounds and how to put letters together to make words. I was surprised when I got to first grade and realized not everybody knew that stuff.
     Anyway going back, three years before I was born I had a sister who was hit and killed crossing the street when she was 3 1/2 . I don't know if that's when the marriage began to be troubled, but I don't really have memories of us all being together. I know that I was spared a lot of chaos and insanity that my Mom and older sister and brother lived through. His second wife and my younger brother and sisters also had their share of it.
     As a probably five-year-old child, I just pieced stuff together with my little girl mind. I didn't know why Dad wasn't in the house, and at one point he took me with him for the day to visit his friend. She seemed nice enough, but I spent most of the day outside playing with her kids. It wasn't until that evening when the three of us went somewhere and were sitting at a table, there was music playing and they got up to dance together. That was when I realized she wasn't just a friend and I started crying. He took me home and I never went to spend the day with him again, unless we went to his Mom's house. We often visited Grandmom as a family especially over the Holidays and  I later would spend  weeks at her house over  the summers with my cousin Patty. At any rate, I don't remember Dad being present on a regular basis, but kind of hit or miss. He would sometimes come around late at night to visit Mom, but I was not generally included in those times.  I had a lot of hit or miss relationships over the years and a couple of good marriages that ended in widowhood. Long term was apparently not in the cards for me.
     So the other day as I was walking, I felt a loving energy and got the feeling he was telling me that he had backed away because he didn't want to hurt me. Compared to what the rest of the family lived through, I was spared a lot of pain and confusion, While they all had a lot of stuff to overcome, I just had a lot of feelings of not being included.
     For a long time I had felt abandoned, but now it feels more like I had been spared. I have a bit of him in me - I can be a bit unconventional, I share his love of words, and for a little while was drinking more than I needed. We sobered up about the same time and were able to have a closer relationship. I remember one time I drove 20 miles up to visit him at the house on Second Street and he wasn't home. It was raining pretty heavily and I thought about waiting, but headed home. When I got there, I found a container it the doorway with a piece of Grandmom's Easter pie  that I had asked if he had the recipe for. I later got a Valentine card with this thought:

    So just in time for Father's Day, he showed up again. I have been reading another blogger who shared that while people come and go, there has been one constant in life, on any Sunday, and it's in his blood. While I enjoy hearing his vibrancy on the topic,  I wondered why I haven't found my constant. I mean some people love to paint or bake or parent.  I think that my constant has been that people come and go and I am so grateful for all the wonderful relationships I've had,  and for the not so great experiences that I've learned from.

     Happy Father's Day!

Home Alone

     In case I haven't mentioned it, when I started this blogging thing last month it was the first writing I'd done since college, aside from journaling and nurses notes.  When it began, ideas would come to mind when I was out walking, but lately thoughts have been showing up around 4 AM and I try to make a mental note to remember them when I wake up. They seem to have a life of their own however and once arisen, thoughts keep whirling around until I get to writing later in the day. This latest idea is actually a lot of  stuff, but I'll try to stick with the living alone piece for now.
     Almost nine months ago I downsized to a one bedroom apartment from my two bedroom condo. When I was planning to retire I knew it would be easier to do away with home-ownership since I still owed a lot on my mortgage, and taxes and home repairs are ongoing expenses. The first obstacle was the fact that the guy I'd been living with and I weren't really getting along, but he was having trouble getting his own place. He had tried his own apartment for a while, but it wasn't working out and he asked if he could stay with me temporarily (which is kind of how we started out - can you say hobosexual? as in, someone who enters a relationship to avoid homelessness)  A few potential jobs and potential apartments later, he got a job and a new friend out of the area.
   About this time, my son was finally moving back from three years in SoCal, and I was glad to give him a safe place to land and get back to what had been his roots since he came to live with his Dad and me when he was 13 after his first Mom died. The apartments I was moving to had a one year waiting list and I had to sell my condo. So Sean and I had some time to catch up while I was waiting to move and he was finding a job and getting back on his feet.

Anyway, it's been about nine months now of living alone for the first time in about 25 years and only the second time in my life . Growing up we lived with my Grandmom and there was always a houseful.  I moved out after I got married the first time and within a year of Jack's death, after five years of marriage, l had found a new guy. We moved in together for six tumultuous years of drinking/ not drinking, multiple break-ups before we finally called it quits. That was when I bought my first house, in my home town and enjoyed being on my own. Fours years later my sister had gotten her real estate license and found me a suburban condo two miles up the road. Eventually I met Joe, got married again and Sean moved in. I had a lot of good times there, but like I said, financially it made sense to move.

After years of sharing my home I was ready for my own space and peace and quiet.  My dream retirement home might be a cabin in the country and this apartment isn't that, but there are trees and grass and morning bird song to wake up to. And it's mine and right now that feels wonderful!

Maybe It's A Pisces Thing

 

     Some people refer to Pisces as the sign of the Fish.  It should be called the sign of the Fishes.  You know, two fish swimming in opposite directions. Those of you born in late February or early March already get this and don't need an explanation. Those of you living with a Pisces, bless you.
     It's been happening all my life, so I should be used to it. I'll be happily drifting along on my own and then get swayed by a school of folks going in the opposite direction and I want to join in so I turn around and join in. Everything is going swimmingly until I've had enough peopling and take off in the other direction for the cool dark waters of my own company.
     It's all about balance. You would think after all these years I would have it all figured out, but new situations, people, activities, interests are always arising in life and each has to be looked at as to whether it fits my life. The balance isn't just between being with  people or being alone-it's the full gamut of experience and emotions - safety vs. risk-taking, generosity vs. isolation,  joyfulness vs. grief, and on and on.  Thank God I don't have to figure life out on my own, but for the big things, someone told me many, many years ago. one life/ one heart, like one man /one vote: when it isn't enough, that's when it's exactly enough.
     So I guess what I'm saying to myself, as I'm writing is it's OK to share space and time with others and still take time to reflect or decompress alone and enjoy my own company. As we're coming out of a long winter into the season of fairs and concerts and other group, outdoor activities, just jump in, enjoy what fits, and when you need to, retreat to the still waters.

Thoughts on Love and Loss

Hi All,
    I had a great walk on the Schuylkill River Trail this morning. The weekend was busy. and I walked at least a quarter mile before my thoughts quieted down and I could hear the birds singing. As I walked along, the following thoughts surfaced and I just wanted to share. I'm coming to see that my theme for this blog is simply to share and explore dreams, memories, and feelings.
   I had posted  couple things on Facebook on Saturday. One about it being my first husband's 75th birthday and the second about death is just a change, not an ending, which I prefaced by saying that I've been blessed with the opportunity to love and be loved by two pretty special guys. My intention was to say that I remember their lives and the love and the beautiful memories.
   A few people commented that they were sorry for my loss, and I do appreciate the sentiment. I have certainly said the same to people when I want to express concern for them but don't have the right words to convey that.
   To those of you who have recently lost a loved one, I'd like to share that the pain did slowly ease up and I was able to hold my head up and breathe and eventually even smile and laugh,  Eventually, I was able to stop questioning what more I could have or should have done to prevent the death. Eventually the open wound that was where I was connected to another did eventually fill in and heal, though not without the reminder that it existed. .Keep faith, it can happen for you too.
   To those of you who have not suffered such a loss, I would like to say I'm happy for your blessings! Celebrate them, cherish them.  Life is full of loves and losses. It's good to be able to share them with one another.


   Have a great day!

MY Road toTaos

I'm not sure when it was, but I first heard of Taos, NM, on the TV show Jeopardy. The answer was likely something about it being an artist's colony.  A few years later, I was attending a family Seder with a fiend, and his sister was telling us about her husband taking a trip out west and staying a few days in the town of Taos.  She asked if anyone had ever heard of the place. I was able to say that I had heard if it, but only knew what I heard on TV years before.

Fast forward about 20 years -My friend and I went our separate ways and we each married happily
After my husband died, I met a psychic who gave me a message  clearly from my husband. Shortly after that, I saw an ad for a South West Spirit Quest Tour, being led by this same woman. I was feeling called to explore the spiritual side of life since my husband Joe died, and had long felt an attraction for the South West since my first husband Jack and I had hoped to move to Arizona before he became ill and died rather suddenly many years before.

I signed up for a whirlwind trip of New Mexico and Arizona - Native American sites and healers, red rocks and vortices of Sedona, and finally a ceremony at Taos Pueblo on the last full day of the trip. I chose to sit out the Pueblo and spent the last day exploring Santa Fe on my own. It was relaxing to walk around town and sit in  the Plaza. We had a final gathering of our "Tribe" on Sunday morning before heading our separate ways. All in all it was a wonderful trip.

It took me another 6 1/2 years to return. Taos kept calling to me. I had never traveled any farther than the Jersey Shore, about 100 miles, on my own. My first solo adventure.  I reserved a quiet Casita not far from downtown Taos, flew from Philly Interrnational to Albuquerque, where I had dinner with a friend of a friend, then headed out the next morning for Taos. I thought I had explored the trip well online, but the thrill of actually driving north out of Albuquerque and through Santa Fe on my own was exhilarating. The first sight of The Mountain as I was coming up through Ranchos, my first chile burger, visiting the Pueblo, a taste of Fry Bread, driving across the Rio Grand Gorge bridge are all memories I will cherish forever.

In Northern New Mexico you hear about the High Road to Taos and the Low Road. both memorable. On the way back, I took the Low Road and the Turquoise Trail. The finale was driving about 15 miles of Old Route 66, and stopping for dinner at 66 Diner. Maybe I'll venture out on the Mother Road someday, but if not I'm grateful to have made the trip to Taos.

The Friendship Tree 4/23/18

Hi All,
I.m just trying to get started with blogging, so while I'm figuring this thing out, I'm posting something  I already did on Facebook last month:

                                  The Friendship Tree

Yesterday I went for a solo walk in the park as I frequently do.  It was one of the first really good Springtime days for taking a walk.  Winter had been hanging on way past it's calendar date and in late April the weather was finally warming up.  The temperature was comfortable, just the right amount of sunshine, not too hot.  I was walking along listening to the birds singing, watching the creek flow by on my left when I happened to glance to my right and saw a rather broad-based tree branching out in different directions from low on the trunk.

All of a sudden the bark, bathed in sunlight and shadow revealed what appeared to be the shape of a woman leaning back against one of the splits of the trunk. I stopped and looked a while and felt a connection with the spirit of the tree. I thought it was odd I had never noticed this before on the same trail in the same park I have been walking for years.

Anyway, I had barely begun my walk and was eager to get moving. I made a mental note to stop again on my way back and set off with a smile in my heart. After I had gotten my fill of exercise for the day, I turned around and headed back to my car. As I passed the tree this time I stopped and now the light and shadow on the bark had shifted and revealed a couple of large cats where I had seen a woman before. I snapped a few pictures to possibly attempt a drawing later, then stood still connecting to this beautiful happy tree and left with a smile.

Later I posted two pictures on Facebook of the tree that I had not noticed before and a number of people reacted to or liked the pictures, but no one commented. I then posted the question "Anyone else seeing the shape of animals, or did I not have enough coffee today?"

Amazingly, even from my cellphone pictures, people reported that they saw a face, a seated hound dog, a bear, a squirrel and a jaguar.

I had a beautiful walk in the park yesterday, and because I stopped for a moment to look around and felt the desire to share my observation, I was able to stimulate the imagination of a few friends and share the experience with them.

I've been walking alone in that park for years and enjoy the quiet solitude as a moving meditation. I believe it may be time to allow others to join me on my journey.